• The Fool and the Flying Ship •

based on the Russian Folk Tale

Characters:
The Storyteller
Man in Audience
The Czar
His Daughter
The Fool
His Two Brothers
Their Mother
The Man of Great Strength
The Man of Great Speed
The Man of Great Senses

Scene One: Prologue
(Staging note: Ideally, the play should begin the moment the audience enters into the lobby of the theater. As the audience waits in line to enter the theater proper, the narrator (dressed as a commoner) should attempt to sneak his way past the line, but will be stopped by an actor planted in the line. If this is not possible, the cast member can be seated in the audience to interrupt the narrator as he jumps onto the stage.)

STORYTELLER (as he cuts in line)
Pardon me sir, excuse me madam, what a dashing hat sir, what a lovely purse ma’am, shoe’s untied sir, careful with that stole ma’am. Sorry sir, have your wig back. Pardon me… (etc until he is nearly through the door)

MAN (from in line / from audience)
Now wait here a moment! What do you think you’re doing?

STORYTELLER
I beg your pardon, were you speaking to me?

MAN
Bet your bottom I was! Where do you think you’re going?

STORYTELLER
Why, I am going to win the hand of the Czar’s daughter! And if I’m lucky, the rest of her as well. Goodbye.

MAN
Now see here – I’ve been standing in this line for a week just for the chance to get a single fleeting glimpse of the Czar’s daughter – what makes you think you can just barge past and win her hand in marriage?

STORYTELLER
Because I know a simple truth: that in order to win a heart, you must first stop standing in line hoping for nothing more than a glance.
STORYTELLER opens the doors to the theater and enters. As the audience (including MAN) takes their seats, the princess looks out from her tower and talks with the audience members.

DAUGHTER
Hello! Are you all here to see me? How lovely! It is so awfully dull sitting in this tower by myself all day long. It is so much more fun to have you all here to dote on me. Have you come far? It’s so sweet – it makes me wish I could marry you just for dedication! Or else perhaps I should marry him – he is ever so much taller and better looking. Oh, blast these decisions – I wish I could marry you all.

DAUGHTER adlibs with audience until all are seated, at which point the CZAR enters.

CZAR
Who are you hollaring to, my sweet?

DAUGHTER
My suitors. They’ve come back to dote on my again – oh father, let me at least marry a few of them! Please?

CZAR
Out of the question! (to audience) How many times have I told you my daughter is not to marry!

STORYTELLER
Plenty of times. And we are here to tell you that she IS to marry.

CZAR
That’s a very interesting idea, but as you are no doubt aware, I am the Czar, and therefore, when I say she is not to marry, she is not to marry.

STORYTELLER
That may be, but there are more of us than you.

CZAR
That may be, but I have an army!

STORYTELLER
That may be, but your army is in the back corner over there, also hoping to win her hand. (to army) Hi, fellas!

CZAR
But my daughter doesn’t even want to get married!

DAUGHTER
Oh yes I do!

CZAR
Well, I – that is, the thing is… fine! You win! But on one condition. For you see, this is my only daughter, and she being of such beauty, I cannot allow just any man to take her hand. So, in order to prove your worth, you must first… eh… build a ship that can fly through the air as it would sail on the water! That is impossible to do, yes?

STORYTELLER
It would appear so, yes.

CZAR
Then it is decided – the first man to build such a ship, sail it to my daughter’s window at the top of my very tallest tower, and place this ring upon her finger, shall be proven worthy of her hand. Now, be off, and let me not see any more of you until you have completed this task! (to self) Hee hee! That will be the last I shall see of these fools!

Exit CZAR

STORYTELLER
Fools, Czar? (to audience) In situations like these, to be a fool may be far wiser than it would appear!

LIGHTS OUT

SCENE TWO

A small fishing village. MOTHER, her TWO SONS, and THE FOOL are loading a fishing boat with food and supplies for a long voyage.

BROTHER 1
Hurry up with those supplies – we must be off soon if we are to be the first to reach the Czar’s Daughter.

BROTHER 2
I am not worried, brother – without a doubt we are the two cleverest fellows in all of the world. If anyone should build a flying ship before we, I shall eat my hat!

MOTHER
I am so proud of both of you, my sons! I’ve spent all morning going around the village telling everyone of your voyage, and everyone chipped in to fill our boat with finer clothes than we’ve ever worn, and the finest food and drink – enough to feed a hundred men! Oh sons, I’ll pray for you, and know that one of you will win the hand of the Czar’s daughter! Come give your mother a kiss goodbye! Oh!

BROTHER 1
Thank you, Mother.

BROTHER 2
We will not let you down.

The Brothers and Fool board the boat, but Mother holds the fool back.

MOTHER
And where are you going?

FOOL
Why mother! I am afraid you may be losing your memory! I’m going to win the hand of the Czar’s Daughter, just like you said not a minute ago!

MOTHER
Boy, how can you be such a fool? Don’t you remember the last time you left home? You were to travel to the grocer to fetch a bottle of milk – a simple task for any child – and yet somehow you managed to fall in a briar patch, lose your shoes in a mud puddle, and break the bottle of milk! If you tried to travel to the land of the Czar, I fear that you would be dead within an hour!

FOOL
Oh, mother! That was days ago! I am not nearly so foolish as I was then! Please, mother, let me go with my brothers to the land of the Czar – I’ll be well behaved, and do everything say! I won’t eat but the crusts of bread, and I won’t make a peep! Honest! They won’t even know I’m there!

MOTHER
Oh, there is just no reasoning with you when you’ve got your mind made up!

FOOL
Mother, there is no reasoning with me any time!

MOTHER
This is true. And I suppose this will get you out of my hair for a while… very well, you may go with your brothers to the land of the Czar.

BROTHER 1
Oh, no!

BROTHER 2
He’ll ruin everything! If he doesn’t, I’ll eat my hat!

MOTHER
Now boys, you are without a doubt the two most clever fellows in all the wide world – surely you have enough sense between you that you can keep even your fool of a brother out of trouble!

BROTHER 1
If we must…

BROTHER 2
We must!

MOTHER
The boat is loaded – good luck my boys! Come home soon!

FOOL
I’ll be home before you know it!

MOTHER
On second thought, take your time with it.

BROTHERS and the FOOL grab the last of their things and climb aboard the ship.

SCENE THREE
(Staging note: the sailing ship scenes may be split so that in one area of the stage we see the full size inside of the ship, while in another part of the stage we see a miniature ship sailing along with miniature puppets of the characters)

BROTHER 1
In order to fly, we must build wings, like a bird.

BROTHER 2
Or perhaps we could use air, like a balloon!

FOOL
(While cleaning the floor)
Or perhaps we could spin around really really fast like a Frisbee! Or find a giant rubber band to fling us through the sky like a slingshot! Or perhaps…

BROTHER 1
You fool! Why can’t you leave the thinking to those that are able?

FOOL
But I’ve been cleaning for hours! I’ve been sweeping the same dust around this room so many times it makes me dizzy just thinking about it!

BROTHER 2
How can you be such a fool? Listen – if we’re going to make this ship fly, we’ll have to make it as light as a feather. So, if you want to help, go through the ship and find anything that is weighing us down that we don’t need, and throw it overboard.

FOOL
Brother, I will not let you down!

NARRATOR
The fool was wonderfully happy to have been given something important to do, and he set to it right away. He searched each room looking for all of the heaviest items, and when he had finished emptying the ship, he ran back to the deck, beaming with pride.

FOOL
Oh, brothers! You will be so proud! I have done just like you asked – I tossed over all of the heaviest items, and now the ship is light as a feather!

BROTHER 1
Good job, fool. Now, bring us our tools so that we can set to work building the wings.

FOOL
Um… when you say ‘tools,’ do you mean the big heavy tool box that was in the workshop below?

BROTHER 1
Yes – those tools.

FOOL
Well you see, the thing about those tools is, they were mighty heavy, and so…

BROTHER 2
Fool, if you mean to say that you tossed our tools overboard….

FOOL
No! I didn’t toss them overboard! They were far too heavy to toss, and so I merely slid them and let them drop.

BROTHER 1
How can you be such a fool!

BROTHER 2
In that case we must fashion new tools. Bring us the spare parts from the storage room so that we can start.

FOOL
Um…. When you say ‘spare parts,’ do you mean the large, heavy crate full of metal odds and ends?

BROTHER 2
Yes, those are the spare parts.

FOOL
Well you see, the thing about the spare parts is…

BROTHER 1
Oh fool! You don’t mean…

FOOL
Yes, and boy what a splash they made!

BROTHER 2
How can you be such a fool!

BROTHER 1
Well, never mind that now – bring us instead the kitchen utensils and a few bundles of fire wood – we can use the knives to carve some wooden tools good enough to make due until we can find replacements.

FOOL
Now… when you say kitchen utensils…

BROTHER 1
You didn’t!

FOOL
I did!

BROTHER 2
All the utensils?

FOOL
Every last one.

BROTHER 1
And what did you imagine we would use to prepare the food?

FOOL
Well, that’s something we won’t have to worry about, because I tossed over the food as well.

BROTHERS 1 and 2
You did what!?

FOOL
Oh, don’t worry – I saved this package of crackers to tide us over until we get to the Czar’s house.

BROTHER 1
Fool, it will take us weeks to reach the land of the Czar!

FOOL
Well! You should have let me know that before I tossed out all the food!

BROTHER 2
How can you be such a fool!

BROTHER 1
Fool, without food we will starve. Now, against the wall there is a fishing pole – I know you haven’t tossed that overboard yet – use it to try and fish as much of the food back out of the water as you can.

FOOL
Ok, brother, I will not make a mistake this time!

NARRATOR
And so the Fool took the fishing line and headed to the back of the boat, where he was shocked to see that all of the food he had just tossed over minutes before was completely gone, and all that was in view was a small man with a very large stomach lying on the shore.

FOOL
Ahoy there, potbelly!

STRENGTH
Yeh? Who’s calling?

FOOL
It is I, the fool of the world! Did you see enough food to feed a hundred men float past here a moment ago?

STRENGTH
A hundred men? Ha! Why that was nothing more than a snack! In fact, I was just thinking of where to find a second course!

FOOL
You ate all of that food in one go?

STRENGTH
In one go? Why that was hardly a mouthful!

FOOL
Well, I’ve never heard of a man with such an appetite! Say, my brothers and I are off to visit the land of the Czar to win his daughter’s hand in marriage! Would you like to join us?

STRENGTH
Hmm – if there is to be a wedding, there must be a wedding feast, and from what I hear, the Czar has some wonderful chefs! Hold there one moment, boy, for I must grab a snack for the journey!

NARRATOR
The strange man ran into the woods for a moment, and returned carrying enough food to feed an army on his back.

STRENGTH
This should keep me satisfied until dinnertime!

NARRATOR
The man tossed the food onto the boat, almost sinking it with the weight. He then leapt onto the top of the pile as the boat continued toward the land of the Czar. When the fool’s brothers heard the commotion, they raced to the back of the ship, where they saw the fool and the stranger happily munching away on the finest foods they had ever seen. The brothers, amazed at the bounty, welcomed the stranger aboard, and the four traveled onward.

As the day turned into evening, the fool leaned against the ship’s railing to watch the setting sun pass below the trees, and as he watched, he spotted an odd man jumping along the shoreline with one leg tied behind his back. The fool was curious, so he hollered to him.

FOOL
Hello there, pegleg! Why are you hopping with one leg behind your back?

SPEED
Hello, nephew! The reason is that, if I were to use both my legs, I would move so quickly that I would scarcely be a blur before your eyes! As it is, this is the only way for me to slow down and enjoy the scenery!

FOOL
Well! My brothers and I are on our way to the land of the Czar, and there’s quite a bit of scenery between here and there! Why don’t you join us?

SPEED
Hmm - I think that a boat trip may be just the thing – perhaps my sea legs will be slow enough for me to enjoy myself!

FOOL
Well then, cousin, hop aboard!

NARRATOR
And scarcely had the words left the fool’s mouth had the man untied his leg, and was standing beside him on deck.
SPEED
I hope I didn’t leave you waiting too long!

NARRATOR
After he had got the quick man fed and settled in, the fool returned to the deck once more to look at the stars before bed. As he was finishing up his stargazing, however, he noticed another strange man on the shore – this one with his ear pressed to the ground. As he looked busy, the fool decided not to bother him, and instead only hummed quietly to himself as he passed by.

SENSE
Gah! Not so loud, boy! I’m listening to the rare mating call of the spotted Koto bird!

NARRATOR
The fool listened as hard as he could, but despite his best efforts he could hear nothing.

FOOL
I can’t hear anything!

SENSE
Neither can I, with all your yelling!

FOOL
Very sorry, uncle! Say – we’re on our way to the land of the Czar to try and win the hand of the Czar’s daughter – would you like to join us?

SENSE
Oh yes – I’ve heard quite a few lately who have a similar aim. Not that I can blame them – I can see her from here, and she is quite beautiful. Of course she can’t really compete with her (sense points off in another direction), but beauty is in the eye of the beholder, as they say. But still – I would enjoy seeing that Czar’s daughter up close. Let me just plug my ears so that I can bear the noise!

NARRATOR
With that, the sensor plugged his ears and jumped aboard to take his place with the rest. By this time, the fool was tuckered out, and so settled down in his bed for a well-deserved night’s rest.

SCENE THREE

NARRATOR
When the fool awoke the next morning, he saw that in just the few hours that he had slept, the ship had already traveled nearly the entire distance to the land of the Czar.

FOOL
How is it that we could have traveled so far in only one night?

SPEED
Well, during the night I got restless, and so sat down on the edge of the boat to let me feet rest in the water. As I sat, I started splashing a bit, and before you know it, I had driven the boat all the way here. I apologize – there was a bit of scenery that we missed.

FOOL
Oh, I won’t worry about that – just wait until I tell my brothers, they’ll be so pleased with me!

BROTHERS enter.

FOOL
Oh, brothers! Take a look! Thanks to my friend here, we have already reached the land of the Czar! Now who do you call a fool?

BROTHER 1
Well, I’ll be… Brother, I believe that you have done something right for the first time in your life.

FOOL
Why thank you. Now, as I’ve proven myself to be not such a great fool, I think I deserve to be rewarded.

BROTHER 2
And how do you imagine you ought to be rewarded?

FOOL
I would like to steer the boat today!

BROTHER 1
Oh, no! Oh, no! We’re so close now, we can’t risk you getting us all killed!

FOOL
Oh, brother, give me some credit! I can steel this ship perfectly well!

BROTHER 2
Hah! You couldn’t steer this ship over a waterfall!

FOOL
Now look – I’ve got this man here who can see if there is any danger from miles away, and this man here who is strong enough to lift us over any rocks that come in our path, and another that is so fast the he can run for help should we need to be rescued. So what harm can there be in letting me steer?

BROTHER 1
Well… so long as that’s the case, I don’t see any harm in it. And this’ll give us a chance to put all our focus on building the wings. You can steer the ship, but just this once!

FOOL
Oh, don’t worry so much brother – how big a fool do you think I am?

BROTHERS exit.

FOOL
I can’t steer this ship over a waterfall, eh? Well – I’ll show them I can steer this ship over a waterfall just like the best of them!

NARRATOR
And with that, the fool grabbed the ship’s wheel, and with the help of the sensor’s sight, he steered the ship right into the path of one of the largest waterfalls the world had ever seen.

Meanwhile, the brothers were racking their brains trying to think of some way to make their ship fly. They worked for hours without rest, until they began to notice that the ship was moving more quickly than usual, and the roar of the water was making it difficult for them to think. They rushed as fast as they could to the deck of the ship to see what was going on, only to see that they were fast approaching the edge of the waterfall.

FOOL
See, brothers? I can too steer this ship over a waterfall!

BROTHER 2
Oh, how can you be such a fool!?

BROTHER 1
We must jump overboard – it is our only chance!

STRENGTH
If you jump, you’ll get yourselves killed. Climb on my back, and I’ll carry you to shore! Come, there’s room for you all!

FOOL
No – I’m so close! I’ll prove that I’m no fool once and for all! I’ll go over that waterfall like the best of ‘em!

NARRATOR
And with that, the strong man, with the rest of the men on his back, leapt over the side of the ship, and carried them all to safety. When they reached the shore they looked back at the ship, and saw the fool trying with all his might to steer the ship over the ledge – but, to their amazement, and the fool’s great disappointment, they saw that the fool truly was such a great fool that he was incapable of steering a ship over a waterfall – and rather than plummeting into the water below, the ship did the only other thing it could have done: it continued forward, sailing through the sky just as it did the water.

FOOL
Oh, I am a great fool! I cannot do anything right!

BROTHER 1
No! I don’t understand how, but you’ve done it! You’ve made the ship fly!

BROTHER 2
How can such a thing be?

FOOL
How do I know? I am a fool!

NARRATOR
Seeing as he had failed in his task to steer the ship over the falls, the fool, dejectedly, turned the ship around and picked up the rest of his crew.
Together, they sailed high into the sky, making a straight path for the Czar’s palace.

SCENE 4

CZAR
Ha ha! You are the most cunning czar ever to have lived!

NARRATOR
The Czar was still feeling rather chipper, as all day long people had been stopping by with their supposed flying machines, but each one failing to get off the ground. The Czar was quite confident that he would never have to give up her daughter to anyone – until he happened to look out his window and see the flying ship sailing in.

CZAR
What the devil? It can’t be!

NARRATOR
The Czar raced outside just in time to see the fool helping the daughter on to the ship. Once she was aboard, the fool lowered the ship to the ground, right in front of the now fuming Czar.

FOOL
Oh, hello, Czar! I was just chatting with your daughter here, and we’ve decided that we should have a June wedding, because the weather is so nice that time of year!

CZAR
What! What is the meaning of this!?

FOOL
Well, you see, my brothers and I have come to seek the hand of your daughter in marriage, and since I’m the one that got the ship to fly, it looks like I’m the groom! So – let me be the first to say: hi, Dad!

CZAR
‘Dad?’ Heh – well – I – yes, well – you see – that is – er – what I’m trying to say is – well – hum… Ah, yes, it does seem that you have completed my task… however, you may not yet marry my daughter.

FOOL
Oh, can’t I?

CZAR
I’m afraid not! As much as I would love to have you as a son, I’m afraid that there are a few more things you must do before you can wed my daughter. Yes – this first challenge was just to screen out all of the potential husbands. The remaining three tests are to make sure you are truly worthy.

FOOL
Well! The fine print sure is tricky, isn’t it?

CZAR
Such it is. It really is a pity, but the rules are the rules, and according to them, you must complete three tests: one to test your mind, one to test your heart, and one to test your strength. Which would you like to begin with?

FOOL
Well, I am weary after my long trip, and my brain is hardly my best feature, so then I would be a great fool to go with any but Heart.

CZAR
Very well. Your first test is to show your love and dedication to my daughter by bringing her a bouquet of her favorite flowers – which, I might mention, grow only at the top of the highest and most dangerous mountain in the world. And I might also add that, according to the rules, the quest must be taken on foot. And, I’m afraid, the rules also state that you must bring the flowers back here by sundown tonight.

FOOL
Oh! But the sun has already begun to set! I would guess that the sun will be completely down in not more than an hour!

CZAR
Is that right? Well – that really is a shame. It looks like you’ll have to take your flying ship and go back where you came from. Better luck next time! Good day!

FOOL
Now, now, now, I haven’t given up yet. You’ll have your flowers, and by sundown.

NARRATOR
And so the Fool went back to the ship, where the other fellows were fawning over the czar’s daughter.

FOOL
Hey there, jackrabbit! Do you think you could run to the top of the highest mountain, pick a bouquet of flowers, and bring them back here by the time the sun goes down?

SPEED
By the time the sun goes down? Why, I could have had them here in just the time it took you to ask that question!

FOOL
Good news! Untie your leg, speedy, and run as fast as you can – my marriage depends on it!

NARRATOR
Before the fool had finished speaking, the man had disappeared over the horizon. As they waited on the ship, the fool and his crew sang songs and told jokes, until the fool realized that the sun had nearly disappeared, and there was no sign of the runner anywhere.

FOOL
Sensor! Can you see if the running man is on his way back yet?

SENSE
Hmmm… I see him! He’s asleep under that tree! And snoring quite loudly, too!

FOOL
Asleep! But the sun is almost down! Is there anything you can do to wake him?

SENSE
Hand me my gun. This ought to wake him up!

SENSOR aims his gun and shoots, hitting a branch, causing an apple to fall and hit the runner on the head, awaking him. The runner looks around, picks up the bouquet of flowers, and races back, handing the flowers to the Czar just as the sun finishes dropping below the horizon.

FOOL
A bouquet of beautiful flowers, for my beautiful fiancé!

CZAR
Hmph. So it would appear. Nevertheless, there are still two tasks remaining.

FOOL
Czar, I am not afraid of your tests – give me whichever you prefer.

CZAR
Fine then! I shall test your strength! In order to win my daughter, you must prove that you can defend her from our enemies, and to make sure you can, you and your men must fight off my entire army!

FOOL
An entire army! But there are only six of us, and you’ve got… an army!

CZAR
I’m sorry, son, but these are the rules. If it were up to me, you could marry her right now, but as it is, you’ve got to prove yourself.

FOOL
Well, I see that you are an understanding man. So then, would it be possible to let us rest for the night so that we may be prepared for battle in the morning?

CZAR
Very well. You may return to your ship now, and we shall attack at sunrise. I don’t anticipate your survival, so in the case that you die, I hope there are no hard feelings.

FOOL
Of course not! Good night, Czar. We’ll be ready for you in the morning.

NARRATOR
The fool returned to his ship for the night. Rather than sleep, however, he and his brothers, along with the strong man and the sensor, spent the night planning their strategy. When the sun rose, the fool and his men were waiting. Just as he had promised, the Czar stormed the ship with all the force of his armies. However, due to the brothers planning, the strong man’s physical strength, and the sensor’s sharp shooting skill, the six were able to easily fend off the attack.

FOOL
Well, Czar! It looks like you’ll need a new army!

CZAR
Oh! You! How could! But that’s! Oooohhhhhhh! This is impossible!

FOOL
Impossible or not, I just did it. So – what is your final challenge, Czar?

CZAR
Ah, yes. The final challenge. This is a riddle to test your mind. And as it is your final test, you will not be allowed to receive help from your mates! Now, your riddle is… hmm… let’s see – no, no, that one’s too easy… hmm… ah! Here is your question: Which came first – the chicken or the egg?

FOOL
… Which came first?

CZAR
Yes.

FOOL
As in, which one physically came first?

CZAR
That is right.

FOOL
And that’s it? That’s the most difficult question that is intended to test my mind?

CZAR
Um… yes?

FOOL
Well then Czar, I think you must be a bigger fool than I, for the answer to your question is simple! The egg came first; I had that for breakfast – while we didn’t even catch the chicken until lunch! Czar, I have completed your three challenges, and now I will wed your daughter!

CZAR
But… but… I – that’s not even a real – oh, what nonsense!

NARRATOR
Despite his best attempts to reason with the fool, the Czar was unsuccessful in convincing him to drop his engagement to his daughter, and so very soon thereafter, the two were wed. After the wedding, the fool invited his brothers, mother, and the three strangers to live with him at the palace, and so they did – and together they all lived happily ever after.

THE END