• Mother's Day •

                                   MICHELLE
            Now remember, it's Mother's Day, so be nice, no matter what.

                                   TONY
            I promise - my very best behavior.

                                   MOTHER enters. She's a slow old bat.

                                   MICHELLE AND TONY
            Happy Mother's Day!

                                   MOTHER
            It's nice to see you, dear! I see you brought your husband, the no-good son-of-a-bitch.

                                   TONY
            It's so great to see you again, you look wonderful.

                                   It looks like she's going to give him a hug, but instead
                                   grabs his collar and yanks him down close.

                                   MOTHER
            I'll dance on your grave, motherf-

                                   MICHELLE
            We brought some gifts, Mother!

                                   MOTHER
            Oh, you shouldn't have done that, buying me presents on what that worthless ass earns.

                                   Tony forces a smile.

                                   MOTHER
            What is this - perfume!?

                                   She chucks the bottle of perfume at Tony's head.

                                   MOTHER
            I refuse to wear it - I'm not a harlot, I'm not a whore! Better give it to your mother.

                                   Tony gets up, hands the bottle back.

                                   TONY
            I know how you feel about perfume, but the salesman said that this fragrance is designed
            to  keep men away, not attract them..

                                   MOTHER
            How does it do that?

                                   TONY
            You spritz it on your hand and slap any man who gets too close.

                                   MOTHER
            Let's see if it works!

                                   She slaps him hard.

                                   MICHELLE
            And there's another surprise- we hired an acapella group to come sing! Come in, boys!

                                   Acapella group enters. They stand in formation, hum to
                                   get in key, smile, and then just stand there for a while.

                                   TONY
            What are you doing?

                                   ACAPELLA GROUP
            This song is an instrumental.

                                   TONY
            Now cut that out! Sing something with words.

                                   ACAPELLA GROUP
            Well, if that's what you want.

                                  (tune: That Wonderful Mother of Mine)
            You are a wonderful mother, Dear old mother of mine.
            You'll hold a spot deep down in my heart until the day you die.
            And then this hell will be over, and vict'ry shall be mine!
            So soon depart you worthless old tart,
            And leave all your money behind!