• Ninja! •
INT. LOFT - DAY
NINJA is looking at the classified ads.
NINJA
Pizza delivery... house keeper...
lawn care... damnit - where the
hell are all the jobs for Ninjas?
BARBIE enters.
BARBIE
Hi, unitard Ninja.
NINJA
Hi, Naked Barbie.
BARBIE
Any luck today?
NINJA
Nada. It's like - "hi, do you have
no experience or skills? Great!
Come work at our restaurant. Come
work in our fields." But then it's
like, "What? You have spent your
life mastering the sacred art of
the Ninja, passed down through
generations to only the strongest
and most dedicated? No thanks, I'll
kick you out to the street, into
the curb." Your western culture
disgust me.
BARBIE
Now there's no call for that kind
of talk. It's not my fault people
are willing to pay for a seven-foot
tall naked woman, but not a ninja
in a unitard. It's just the job
market these days. Something will
come up.
WOLVERINE enters, distraught.
WOLVERINE
I am officially living in hell!
BARBIE
What happened?
WOLVERINE
Superman - that's what happened. I
go to the party, right, and I've
got the theme music playing, and I
got my Wolverine thing going, claws
out, snarling and fighting, I walk
in to the room, and the birthday
boy says "what! Wolverine! I wanted
superman!" And he then proceeds to
break off my claws! My
indestructable claws!
BARBIE
No!
WOLVERINE
See for yourself! Oooo... if I
coulda got my hands on him, he
woulda been an ex-man!
NINJA
I'm gonna check Craigslist again.
WOLVERINE
So I said to the parents - that's
it - I'm outta here - but they say,
"no, we paid for an hour, and
you're staying." So I stayed. Sixty
minutes of evil children taunting
me - throwing things at me -
hitting me with cake! I tell ya,
fifty bucks isn't worth that kind
of humiliation.
BARBIE
I'm sorry.
JC enters
JC
Hi guys!
WOLVERINE
Ten year olds!
JC
What?
NINJA]
Zip - nada - zilch. Three cliche
words to say there are no jobs here
either.
WOLVERINE
Anybody selling a Superman costume?
JC
Omigod, I was just walking down the
street, and you know what happened?
... You know what happened?
NINJA
What the hell kinda world is it
where a ninja and a Wolverine look
alike can't find decent work?
JC
Hey guys!
BARBIE
Hi, JC.
JC
I was just walking outside and some
woman stops me and says hey -
aren't you one of the Backstreet
Boys? Ha ha ha! I was in N-Sync!
BARBIE
What do you know.
JC
I was not in the backstreet boys -
she got the two confused.
BARBIE
That's pretty funny.
JC
And now I'm a successful writer and
producer.
BARBIE
Hey unitard Ninja - Wolverine. Did
you two ever think of joining
together? Doing a team show?
JC
And I have recently started a solo
recording career.
NINJA
Team show?
BARBIE
Yeah - like, you could stage a
ninja VS wolverine fight.
NINJA
But that's ridiculous - it wouldn't
even be a fight. How would it be
for those kids to see their hero,
wolverine, taken down so easily?
WOLVERINE
Taken down so easily? I think you'd
be the one taken down so easily.
Look at this - compare the size of
my muscle to yours. I could crush
you.
NINJA
It's not about size - it's about
dexterity and skills. I would move
so fast that you would be down
before you realized the fight had
begun!
WOLVERINE
But my I've got unbreakable metal
all throughout my body!
NINJA
You're not actually wolverine -
it's just a costume.
WOLVERINE
It's a very detailed costume.
BARBIE
It won't be an actual fight - you
can stage it before hand. It'll
just be a performance. The kids
will love it, and you'll both be
making money, so you can pay me
back for your shares of the rent.
WOLVERINE
Ok - but I get to win, even if it's
staged.
NINJA]
Never!
BARBIE
You can take turns.
WOLVERINE
But I get to win first!
BARBIE
Is that Okay, unitard Ninja?
NINJA]
Fine - it'll make my victory in the
second performance all the more
sweet to know that I am fighting
for vengeance.
WOLVERINE
What am I fighting for the first
time?
BARBIE
Here's what you do: you start your
wolverine show off as normal, and
then unitard Ninja can break in and
steal the cake, and Wolverine can
fight to get it back.
NINJA
A ninja would never eat a cake -
especially when he must wear such
form fitting outfits as this one.
BARBIE
What else could he steal?
WOLVERINE
How about the birthday boy?
BARBIE
I think that would get us arrested.
NINJA
What if we had somebody posing as a
birthday party guest?
BARBIE
Hmm... I like it! But where are we
going to find somebody who could
pass for a young boy?
JC
Hey guys! Who wants to shoot some
hoops!?
... what?
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